November 20, 2044
Shareholders, employees, and most importantly, our valued customers: we have some very exciting announcements for you today.
Two years ago, we unveiled the TortureNexus project. Our goal was to produce the perfect systematic methodologies for torturing brain organoids into performing tasks efficiently and most importantly, cheaply. Over the past three years we have been developing this project, we have learned a lot. But we understand your concerns with what we have been doing, especially following the unfortunate events on March third, to which we would like apologize greatly.
Here at neuracorp when we read “Don’t create the Torture Nexus” we took inspiration from it, and we created our project to bring the future described in that world to reality. But lately, we have realized a deeper message within the work inspiring this all. Because of this, we have decided to change the direction we take with this project.
We would like to introduce to you, the MildAnnoyanceNexus. While the TortureNexus simulates the same feeling experienced during decapitation, stabbing, combustion, and drowning to name a few examples, the MildAnnoyanceNexus simulates things like stubbed toes, paper cuts, and when there is a rock in your shoe.
Already we have seen a 12% increase in productivity from our line of OrganJar products for home computing which have been given the software update, and up to 70% more productivity in new units with upgraded capabilities. Our commercial line of CompuCapsules has seen a 40% increase in productivity in tested units, and we have seen up to 10% decision accuracy increase.
We understand the difficulty in this transition for all of you. Because of this, TortureNexus will remain as a supported feature in new produced units and models until at least 2047, and for legacy units made prior to January 2045 we will provide support for the entire organoid lifetime, as well as any replacements while still under warranty. Certain models, such as any OrganJar models produced within February of 2044, are not eligible for this extended support, and will need to be replaced with a new model, free of charge. A full list of affected devices is available at our website for this initiative, mildannoyancenexus.help
TortureNexus has become a crucial part of many of the workflows used by our customers, and to smooth these changes, we are offering a free replacement MildAnnoyanceNexus trained organoid to any owner of a OrganJar brain V4 or higher, or a DishHead produced in 2043 to now. This organoid will be a limited lifespan model, lasting one month. If you decide to keep it, for a small fee a stabilizer compound will be sent to disable the genetic kill clock permanently. If you do not wish to keep it, you can simply swap back your old organoid to the active slot and continue using it.
Due to recent legislation, TortureNexus activated devices, or organoids trained on TortureNexus activated devices at any point may no longer be used in the control of medical equipment, transportation, emergency management, emergency detection, or security equipment. For this reason, we will offer a full replacement to any user’s devices with TortureNexus branded for or registered with our NeuroHeal, CerebralDriver, AirHead, Neurosafe or, NeuroSecure initiatives. More information can be found regarding this at our website.
At 2PM eastern today we will be holding a question and answer session including several of our engineers and our CEO. We will not be answering questions regarding the events of March 3rd through March 7th.